1. Great Coaches Ask Great Questions

Asking thoughtful, poignant questions can help people become aware of how their assumptions, beliefs, and attitudes might be helping or hindering them in getting the result they want. Great questions move people to think about, and share, something they may never have put into words, or even thought all that deeply about. Doing this can create openings for moments to offer true insight into the tensions and realities that a person is feeling. The best questions draw out vulnerable, authentic, and real conversation. I always try to think of questions to ask before I go into a coaching session. Other questions arise in the moment of course, but thinking of questions to ask a coachee is what I’ve discovered to be the best way I can prepare for a coaching session. These questions can build off our last session or revolve around new themes and issues. Questions must never be a devious way to be manipulative someone, nor should they be used rigidly to be overbearing or overly directive with someone. Questions ought to be a guide in a conversation to draw out what God is doing in someone’s life, or to help zero in on what the coachee is striving to grow in. The best kind of questions and the best kind of coaching should bring clarity to the coachee, and be delivered genuinely and thoughtfully from the coach.

2. Great Coaches Create Conversational Freedom

Create relationship of conversational freedom, where people can speak their minds, say what they are thinking, “get things off their chest”, “unload whatever they need to unload.  To become a more effective coach, practice the art of suspending judgment—people pretty much know when you judging them and when you’re not. When coaches create this kind of conversational space, authenticity and vulnerability pour forth. And that’s when you can begin to get to the core issues in a person’s life. But when someone feels criticized or “judged” for sharing in raw form, or for being vulnerable, or just for pouring out their most real and true emotion [whether it be anger, cynicism, or whatever], they’ll soon become like a turtle who always pulls his head back into the hard exterior shell. That’s the opposite of what great coaches learn to do. Seek to master how to navigate the dynamic of accepting where someone’s at, while also knowing how to challenge someone to grow. It takes practice, tact, wisdom, courage, and humility. More than anything, it takes time and experience in mentoring. The point is…strive to be the kind of coach where creating this type of freedom in conversations matter to you.

When coaches create a relationship where someone feels listened to, that person translates our listening as loving.  And although listening in and of itself is a great quality, what makes great coaches involves learning to listen to the nuances in what someone is saying. This is the stuff that most people miss. And it’s also the stuff that great coaches press into, draw out, and learn how to come alongside of and foster deeper transformation through what they see.

How does one do this? Start by listening to beyond what they are saying. Pay attention to and then identify any assumptions that are shaping your protégé’s actions, attitudes or beliefs.  Assumptions and beliefs are enveloped in almost everything one says. Recognizing the hidden assumptions and beliefs can reveal clues to what someone’s core issues are, or perhaps they point the coach to understanding why someone does what they do or act like they act or say what they say.

Another way to listen to the nuances in conversation is by noticing what people make observations about, what opinions do they weigh in on, and to what thing do they jump to conclusions. Again, you can tell a lot by noticing these things. And it certainly can inform where a person needs to be steered as a coachee.

In addition, listen for any gaps, contradictions, and inconsistencies in people’s way of thinking or living. Point those out, not in a judgmental and overly criticizing way, but in a tactful, gentle, and graceful way. Sure, sometimes you need to be candid about certain things. But in general, the best coaches actually help someone else come to a conclusion in the way they guide the conversation.

And one final way to listen for nuances is by identifying what someone gets defensive about, or where he or she is trying to protect themselves, or what they make excuses about, or how they distort reality or project a false image. These are all clues to pay attention to, clues that when coaches can learn to recognize, will become all the  material they need to know in order to guide a conversation and a person to where they need to go.

And you know what?

Robots don’t care.

Great leaders invite honest opinion sharing.

They foster spaces and places within their organization for people to give input, offer suggestions, and explain why they think what they think. Effective leaders, as well as successful innovators, give permission to let ideas have breathing space.

My advice is this: do everything in your power to make it easy for team members to share what they want to share (i.e. ideas, opinions, suggestions, etc.).

When ideas don’t have merit, articulate why you think so.

Everyone understands that all the ideas cannot possibly get used, nor should they.

We’ve missed the whole point if we think the point is to promise that people’s ideas will happen. The most fundamental point here is that when we allow people to contribute in collaborative ways, they feel valued for what they bring to the table. And when we create environments where people feel valued in our work space, much good will follow.

Employers need to take the time to communicate the changed expectations, why the decisions are being made, as well as explain how and why the situation has led to the pertinent changes that directly affect the employee. Healthy organizations [and leaders] communicate these matters well.

While I believe every job ought to provide certain levels of autonomy and latitude, every job also needs a set of foundational expectations regarding how specific situations are to be handled. Too often people are criticized, demoted, or even fired for some aspect of their job that they were never told they would be held accountable for. Sometimes the expectations in a certain job change, but they aren’t ever told in clear terms what the new expectations are. I’ve been there, and it’s a stressful place to be.

Accountability is good in the workplace, as long as employees know what they are being held accountable for.

Another related issue here involves when expectations are actually given, but the employee never meets those expectations. To many employers’ detriment, consequences and accountability aren’t executed. As a result, employees continue in their “bad behavior,” knowing there aren’t any real consequences for their lack of performance, or for their failure to meet the clearly defined expectations.

If you want to be a great manager, team leader, and/or supervisor, embrace the necessity of clarifying expectations and communicating what they are in consistent ways, especially when the expectations change. Some great leaders often say, “Vision leaks over time so keep casting it in clear and compelling ways,” and how true that is. This is just as true: Expectations become blurry over time so keep clarifying, and after that, clarify once again.

When you communicate expectations effectively, productivity will follow.

So when we consider what we do for our job, to gain a sense of purpose in what we do, we must clearly understand the mission at hand. Employees [even volunteers] need clarity on what they’re being asking to do and achieve (for the business, the cause, the community, the customer, or even simply in how to do the specific job itself).

In addition, if we are the supervisor [or mentor], we ought to help our protégés know how to make the mission of the organization that they work for or with part of their own personal mission as well. In the end, if someone is doing something else’s mission, their motivation won’t last, their sense of purpose dissolve, and their engagement levels will wane over time.

In essence, effective leaders understand the importance of helping their people care about the right thing(s). And caring begins with clearly knowing what to care about and why.

I usually have them bring their goals written out to our one-on-one appointment. After that, there is usually at least two rounds of rewriting their goals and really focusing them.  In most cases, the goals don’t pass the SMART test. And secondly, people often bring too many goals. In one sense this is good, but in my experience, it’s very difficult to hold more than 5 serious goals into intense focus.  So, I encourage my protégés and subordinates to identify the 3-5 most critical goals, reminding them that having too many can dilute the intensity of their focus and hinder achievement of those goals.

Goals establish a sense of purpose, enhance one’s drive, and foster increased meaning to even the most ordinary, even mundane tasks. In the absence of goals will be the absence of that deep sense of accomplishment that every human being longs for. Not only that, when your protégés and/or staff accomplish their goals, it’s yet another reason to affirm their progress and root them on toward growth and development. And every protégé and employee wants a bit more of affirmation for what they’re doing and the difference they are making.

One high tech company I came across has something called a quarterly “Fedex day.” They provide each employee one day per quarter to work on anything they want. The only requirement is that they have to present what they work on the following day to a specified team of people. Over the course of several years, more than 80% of this company’s innovations came from those Fedex days.

There’s no doubt that there are certain scenarios or circumstances that don’t allow the kind of autonomy that you may want to provide, or that don’t allow you to give a “free day” of sorts to your employees. If you find yourself in this situation, just remember to give freedom and latitude whenever possible–and it might be more possible than you initially think.  If you strive to provide employees the autonomy to do their work in the ways that they do their work best, your organization will reap enormous benefits.

And when it comes to hiring, if you get anxious about your employees having so much autonomy that they won’t get their work done, then do two things. First, hire hard-working, achievement orientated people whom you trust. Then you won’t need to micro-manage them. And second, implement an accountability and reporting structure that calibrates their focus and ensures they are staying on course with the goals before them.

To establish a coaching relationship that empowers someone, the coach must believe and recognize that people have embedded creativity, a high level of intelligence, and even that they almost always have the knowledge they need to succeed. What most coachees need is for a coach to help them access all this. And without deep listening, and even practicing the art of asking penetrating, poignant questions, it’s almost impossible to see what exists inside a person–for you or them.

Here are a few things that listening does in a coaching relationship:

Listening well helps people think more clearly, work through unresolved issues, and discover solutions that may already be inside them.

Coaching need to listen beyond what someone is saying in words. Listen for assumptions, and then help a person identify the false ones.  Assumptions and beliefs that shape action, and they are contained in almost everything we say. Pay attention to these and address them, point them out, help a person identify them through question asking. Once again, to see what lies behind words requires observant, attentive listening.

Listen to where people make observations, weigh in their opinions, and where he or she jumps to conclusions. This helps the coach understand a person’s values, which can open a door to all kinds of insights on why or how a person functions like they do.

Listen for gaps and inconsistencies in a person’s thinking process.

Listen for defensiveness, and where people are trying to protect themselves, distort reality, or even make excuses. Again, insights are found here as to where a person needs to change.

Asking questions that help people become aware of how their assumptions, beliefs, and attitudes may be helping or hindering them in getting the result they want can create opportunities for moments of genuine, even profound insight. Questions, often more than just giving answers, can penetrate a person’s illusions and delusions. They can force a person to think deeply in a way that nothing else can.

Listen to what someone has clarity on, and whatever they don’t have clarity on. Ask questions and engage that dimension of whatever issue at hand, striving to help someone create clarity. For instance, if someone is annoyed or frustrated with someone at work, as they talk it out with you, sometimes they realize that they need to give that person the benefit of doubt, or that they were not perfect in the situation either and they need to extend more understanding and compassion, or that they can see more why that person did what they did and that they didn’t intend to frustrate them.

To become an effective coach, you must build the foundation of listening in a coaching relationship. Trust will form. Relational capital will be built. And the greatest insights a coach can offer someone in effort to see real transformation happen almost always come from giving a coachee one’s undivided attention and listening in the most perceptive and attentive way.

In light of all this, one of the biggest warning signs for a coach is not to come off as judgmental, or overly critical, or being perceived to think you have all the answers for the coachee–these traits can undermine one’s relationship with a  coachee like nothing else. No one likes being on the other side of that.

Yes, entering a coaching relationship can expose someone’s shortcomings and deficits, or highlight incompetence, or even subject the coachee to the pain and difficult challenges of trying to change.  But when a coach begins to see all of this, he or she must partner any critical feedback or improvement orientated advice with genuine affirmative feedback, which builds relational capital, as well as constructive feedback, which actually builds people up and empowers them rather than allowing someone to walk away just feeling criticized or judged. The best coaching always empowers and enables.